OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
