I showed him my bush... on skype.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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