i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
high people should be assigned attendants
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
