Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
