Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
