I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
