Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
