You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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