how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
