sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize