Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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