is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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