I just saw a hot homeless man
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
