so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
