i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
