Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
