What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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