I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Only a mothe r could love this liver
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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