fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
