Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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