i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When did angry sex become our thing?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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