her facebook's as public as her vagina
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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