I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
