I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He felt like a one man threesome
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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