i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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