So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
