I heard we made out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize