i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
