How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
