Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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