it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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