Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
