I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
