Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
