its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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