I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The air taste purple.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
