apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
