whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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