are you still at the devil's house?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
