I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
