We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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