On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize