I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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