when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
