i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
