Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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