dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
sarcasm needs its own font
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
