i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
