Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
