so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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