I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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