My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
