shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
