Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
