I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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