i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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