she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
