Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
