I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
