Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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